“When My Child Is Disrespectful — What Do I Do?”
There are moments in parenting when we feel completely thrown off. One of the most common? When our child is being disrespectful — snapping at us, making demands, or saying something that seems designed to provoke us. It’s easy to feel like we’ve got to shut it down fast or “teach them a lesson.” But what if, in these moments, there’s something deeper going on beneath the surface?
Let’s take a familiar example: Your child demands that you do something for them right now. They’re insistent, maybe even yelling. You’re busy — folding laundry, sending an email, getting dinner started. Their tone feels entitled, rude, or dismissive. What now?
This is where we pause and ask ourselves: What’s really going on here?
Sometimes a child’s challenging behavior isn’t about defiance—it’s about something deeper. Maybe they’re trying to find control in a moment that feels overwhelming. Maybe they’re looking for reassurance that they still matter, even when they’re struggling. It could be that they’re facing one of life’s harder lessons: frustration tolerance—the ability to wait, to cope, to sit with discomfort when someone isn’t immediately available. Or perhaps, they’re simply craving connection and don’t yet have the words to ask for it.
How we respond in these moments can shift the entire dynamic. If we zero in only on the “disrespect,” we risk getting pulled into a power struggle: “Don’t talk to me like that!” “You need to respect me!” When demand meets demand, no one truly wins. The key is to pause and ask ourselves: Are we responding to frustration? A need for reassurance? An unspoken bid for connection? Each of these needs calls for a different kind of response.
We can hold a boundary and validate the feeling underneath. That doesn’t mean giving in. It means saying, “I see you’re struggling — and I’m not going to abandon you in it.”
And sometimes, we’re the ones who need the pause. If you notice you’re starting to feel dysregulated — irritated, overwhelmed, or on the verge of snapping — say it out loud. Not to shame your child, but to model self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Try saying:
“The way you're talking to me right now, I can feel myself wanting to snap. I need to step out and come back, and we can try this conversation again when we’re both more calm.”
Saying the process out loud is often more effective than adding more dysregulation to the moment. We only have about one to two seconds — maybe two out of two chances — to respond differently before we’re completely flooded by emotion. Taking a breath, stepping away, or simply acknowledging our rising frustration creates space to parent from a place of intention instead of reaction.
Here’s the key: validating their emotion doesn’t mean we meet their demand. It means we see the difficulty, we acknowledge it, and we help them build skills — like waiting, regulating emotions, and feeling seen even when they’re not getting their way.
Let me give a personal example. Right before a recent holiday, I took some jeans to get altered. I was told it would take two weeks. I didn’t want to wait as I wouldn’t be able to pack them — I was frustrated! But that didn’t change the tailor’s boundary. The turnaround time was still two weeks. And you know what? I survived. I learned something about patience and planning. Our kids need to learn those lessons too, and we have to help them navigate this level of disappointment. Let’s be honest—learning a tough lesson doesn’t feel good. It’s natural to expect disappointment from your child. And when that shows up, it’s okay if it looks like real, raw emotion—not a neatly packaged, performative calm. Authentic disappointment is part of the process.
We all want to raise kids who treat others with dignity and respect. But that’s a long game. Respect isn’t about obedience in the moment — it’s about holding someone in high regard, even when emotions run high. So ask yourself: Does my child need to show me respect right now? Am I even getting real respect when I demand it? Or can I model it for them, knowing they’re still learning?
That doesn’t mean excusing poor behavior. It means saying:
“I see you’re a good kid who just doesn’t know how to express this level of disappointment—and that’s okay. I’m going to hold this boundary, and I’m also going to keep holding onto you.”
Here are some things you can say when your child is being demanding or disrespectful — without feeding the fire:
“I know you're upset. I'm still going to help you in five minutes, not right now.”
“You're allowed to be mad, but yelling won’t change the plan. I’ll help when I said I would.”
“I hear you — you want help right now. It feels really hard to wait. That makes so much sense.”
“You’re showing me how frustrated you are — I get it. You really want things to go your way right now. I’m here. I’m not going to change my answer, but I’m not going anywhere either.”
If your child says something like: “You never care about me!”
You might respond with:
“Oof. That’s a big feeling. I know that’s not true, but I hear how mad and helpless you feel right now.”
Or:
“I know you want me to drop everything — I really do. And the answer is still: I’ll help in five minutes…” and then don't say anything, just be there.
If they tell you to get out sit outside the door slip a sign under the door that says, “I'm here when you're ready.”
“You’re feeling like this is too much. I see it. I’m not going to do what you want right now — and I’m also not leaving you alone in your big feelings. You don’t have to be okay for me to stay with you. We’ll figure this out together.”
These moments don’t have to be perfect—they’re often messy, emotional, and raw. But this is exactly where growth happens. Every time we respond with connection, compassion, and calm boundaries, our kids get one step closer to developing those same tools for themselves when life doesn’t go their way.
So the next time your child comes at you with demands or disrespect, pause. Take a breath—or let them know you need one. Then come back and choose curiosity over control. Hold the boundary, acknowledge their feelings, and show them what it means to be supported—even in their hardest moments.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t got this — I’ve got you. Reach out.