Couples Communication Issues: What’s Really Going On and How to Reconnect
As a couples therapist, I hear this line all the time:
"I just don't know how to talk to them in a way that they understand me."
It’s painful, frustrating, and deeply discouraging when you feel like you're speaking from the heart—yet somehow your partner still misses the point.
This is one of the most common struggles I see in couples. Not because love is lacking, but because each partner is trying to maintain the relationship in their own way—and those ways can look very different.
Two Different Ways of Protecting the Relationship
Let me paint a picture of what often happens in these dynamics:
One partner values openness, emotional processing, and regular dialogue. Their relational needs are often about connection, clarity, and reassurance. If something doesn’t feel right, they want to talk about it, work through it, and grow together.
The other partner values peace, stability, and independence. Their relational needs are about feeling safe, respected, and not overwhelmed. They seek relational health by not bringing up every issue, hoping that calm will help everything settle.
So what happens?
The pursuing partner says, “We need to talk.”
The withdrawing partner hears, “I’m failing again.”
The more one says, “You’re not meeting my needs,” the more the other hears, “You’re not enough.”
Then they shut down.
And when they shut down, it confirms the original fear: They’re not showing up.
And round and round it goes.
You’re Both Trying. You Just Have Different Solutions.
This pattern doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.
It means you're stuck in a cycle—a protective dance that both of you are doing, each from a place of care but in ways that often feel incompatible.
The good news? You can break this pattern. And even small shifts in how you communicate can lead to meaningful change.
One Powerful Shift: Ask When, Not Just Why
If you’re the partner who tends to bring up the hard conversations, here’s a practical change to try:
Instead of saying:
“We need to talk.”
Try saying:
“I need 20 minutes to talk about how we handled disciplining Kai last night. Let me know when would be a good time for you.”
This small shift does two powerful things:
It respects your partner’s emotional readiness and capacity.
It invites a co-created conversation, rather than a confrontation.
Lead with Curiosity, Not Criticism
When the conversation starts, try not to lead with blame.
Chances are, your partner already doesn’t feel great about how they showed up.
Instead of:
“I can’t believe you yelled. My dad yelled and now I barely talk to him.”
Try:
“I could feel something was off last night with Kai. I saw your frustration. I know you’re trying not to yell. What was going on for you?”
Compassion creates receptivity.
Criticism creates defensiveness.
And defensiveness builds walls that even love struggles to get through.
If You’re the Partner Who Needs Space
You don’t have to change who you are. But you do need to communicate clearly.
If you’re not ready to talk in the moment, try saying:
“I want to talk, but I’m just not there yet. Can we do this after dinner tomorrow?”
And if that time comes and you’re still not ready:
“I thought I’d be ready, but I still need a little more space. Let’s talk over breakfast on Saturday.”
This kind of response tells your partner:
“I care. I’m not ignoring you. I just need a little more time.”
Which is a very different message from what they might fear:
“They don’t care. They’re avoiding me.”
It’s About More Than Communication
Yes, this is about how you talk to each other—but underneath that, it’s about your relational needs and values:
How each of you handles emotional discomfort
What feels like safety vs. pressure
What you learned growing up about closeness, autonomy, and conflict
What helps you feel respected, secure, and seen
The goal isn’t perfect communication.
The goal is relational intelligence—understanding what your partner is receptive to, while still honoring your own needs.
Try This
If your partner starts talking and you’re not ready, it’s okay to say:
“I can’t talk about this right now. I need some space. If we keep going, I’ll shut down and put on my headphones—not because I don’t love you, but because I’m trying to find my way back to this conversation.”
That’s not avoidance.
That’s emotional responsibility.
You Can Have Different Needs and Still Stay Connected
You can have different relational needs and values and still build a deeply connected relationship.
It just takes willingness to slow down, communicate with intention, and get curious about each other’s inner world.
You both want this to work.
You’re both doing your best.
Now let’s start doing it differently—together.
Looking for support in navigating communication with your partner?
As a trained couples therapist, I can help you understand each other more deeply and reconnect in meaningful, lasting ways. If you are interested in working together I offer in-person sessions on the Sunshine Coast and or online sessions; reach out.