How Do I Talk About the Hard Stuff—with My Kid and My Partner?

As a therapist working with parents and couples, one of the most common questions I hear is:
"How do I even start this conversation?"

It might be a parent wondering how to talk to their child about sex or racism.
It might be a partner wrestling with how to say, “I love that you’re having fun when we go out, but I feel alone managing the kids.”
Or someone struggling with, “I think I actually do want to get married… but I know my partner doesn’t. What does that mean for us?”

These are big, vulnerable questions—and they deserve thoughtful, meaningful conversations. But here’s the truth:

No single conversation can carry the weight of something so emotionally layered.

The Reframe: One Talk Becomes Many

One of the simplest, most effective tools I offer to my clients is a mindset shift:
Instead of asking “How do I have this one conversation?” ask “How do I turn this into a series of conversations?”

When we feel like there’s only one shot to get it right, we put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to find the perfect words and create the perfect moment. That pressure alone can shut us down—or push the other person into defensiveness.

But when we view these moments as part of an ongoing dialogue, we give space for reflection, for growth, for deeper connection. And that space matters—because these conversations often evolve as we go.

First, Build Emotional Safety

Before we even start, we need to ask: Is there enough emotional safety in this relationship?

Emotional safety is what allows someone to actually hear us—not as an attack, not as a demand, but as an invitation to explore something important together. When we don’t feel safe, we go into defense or shutdown. And that’s true for our kids, our partners, and ourselves.

So before diving in, pause and ask:
What would make this feel like a safe, collaborative conversation rather than a confrontation?

One helpful practice here is to signal your intention ahead of time. It shows a line of respect and gives the other person space to emotionally prepare and process. Let them know you’d like to set aside a specific time to talk—and give the conversation a clear (but gentle) title, so it doesn’t catch them off guard. Then ask, “When would be a good time for you?”

It might sound like:

“Hey, I need to talk to you for about 20 minutes about what we both want from our relationship in the future. When would be a good time for you?”

Or, with a child:

“Hey, I need 15 minutes to start talking to you about body safety. Do you want to do it tonight at bedtime or tomorrow after school?”

This small step sets you both up for success. It communicates care, collaboration, and consideration—all crucial ingredients for emotional safety.

Start with the Foundations

Let’s take some examples:

• Talking to your kids about sex?
  You don’t have to start with “the talk.” Instead, build the foundation:

  • Do they know their body parts by their actual names?

  • Do they understand the basic science of how babies are made?
    These smaller conversations create the groundwork for deeper, more nuanced talks later on.

• Feeling alone as a parent in public spaces while your partner relaxes?
  Rather than jumping into a single emotionally charged conversation, maybe the first talk is a gentle check-in:

  • “Can we talk about how we’re doing when we go out as a family?”
    Then, build from there:

  • “Can I share something I’ve been feeling that’s hard for me to say?”

  • “How can we make these moments feel more like a team effort?”

• Wanting marriage when your partner doesn’t?
  The first conversation doesn’t have to be about the final decision. Start with:

  • “Can we talk about how our relationship is evolving?”
    Then:

  • “What are we both afraid of when it comes to taking another step?”

  • “What does commitment look like for each of us now?”

Each of these moments becomes part of a broader, unfolding dialogue—one where you both get to bring your full selves into the conversation.

Simple… But Not Easy

This tool is simple: break big, hard talks into smaller ones.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It requires patience, emotional attunement, and a willingness to sit with discomfort. It requires us to trust that the relationship can hold multiple truths at once—and that clarity often comes through conversation, not before it.

So the next time you feel the weight of a Big Talk looming, try this:
Turn the talk into several talks.
Give it time. Give it space. And give yourself and your relationships the grace to grow through the process.

If you are looking for more support I offer compassionate, practical guidance from my office in Coolum Beach on the Sunshine Coast, and also provide secure online therapy sessions if you prefer to connect from home. Reach out anytime—I’d love to help.