Helping Your Child Navigate Envy: The Hot Chocolate Trick
By KJ Bennett, Therapist for Parents
As a counsellor who works closely with parents, one of my favourite things is helping families navigate tricky emotions—especially when those emotions pop up between siblings.
One of the most common (and surprisingly misunderstood) emotions I see in sibling dynamics is envy.
Now, most people think of envy as a negative or even “bad” emotion—but I actually love envy. Here’s why: envy is a teacher. When we help our kids explore it gently, envy can show them what they really want. It’s like a flashlight pointing toward desire—but it comes with nuance.
Let me give you a real-life example from my own parenting life and show you a visualisation technique you can try at home.
The Hot Chocolate Story
I have two kids, and like many parents, I try to keep things fair. So one day, I ordered them both a hot chocolate. What happened? One of them drank it happily. The other didn’t touch it. Classic.
The next time we were out, I only ordered a hot chocolate for the child who actually drinks it.
The other child saw her sister sipping and immediately said, “Where’s mine?”
That was my moment.
I said, “Ah—you saw your sister take a sip of hot chocolate, and it made you think that you wanted one too?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
So I said, “Okay, I think I can actually get you something EVEN BETTER than hot chocolate. But first, you’ll have to do a little envy imagining.”
Try This: A Visualisation to Explore Envy
I guided her through this simple visualisation exercise, and it’s something you can try with your kids, too:
“Close your eyes. I’m handing you a hot chocolate—nice and milky. You take a sip…”
(Pause and watch their face. My daughter looked… disgusted with a scrunched face.)
“Okay. Now, imagine I hand you another drink. This one smells amazing. You take a sip, and it makes your tongue dance! What flavour did you imagine?”
She smiled and said, “Cloudy apple juice.”
“Yummmm. So tell me—do you think envy wants you to have hot chocolate right now… or cloudy apple juice?”
She thought for a moment and replied, “Cloudy apple juice.”
And there it was.
That tiny moment of reflection helped her name what she actually wanted, instead of just chasing what her sister had.
Why This Matters
When envy shows up in our kids, especially between siblings, it’s easy to jump to fairness or even frustration. But what if we used envy as an invitation?
Instead of reacting, we can slow things down, get curious, and help our kids tune in to what’s underneath the feeling. Often, it’s not about the object (in this case, the hot chocolate)—it’s about the desire it triggered.
And when kids learn to identify their true desires, they’re better able to advocate for themselves, feel more connected to their needs, and express emotions without shame.
I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not always going to be able to give my kid what they want.”
And you’re right. Sometimes, envy leads us to something we can’t have. That’s when our role shifts—from helping them name a desire to helping them learn how to grieve it.
It’s a harder moment, but just as important. Sitting with that disappointment, rather than rushing to fix it, builds resilience and emotional depth in a really meaningful way.
If this resonated with you and you're ready to make sense of these dynamics in the context of your unique family, I’d love to support you—reach out. I have an office in Coolum Beach, and if you're not local to the Sunshine Coast, I also offer online appointments.