“Why Should I Thank Them for Doing What They’re Supposed to Do?”
This is something I hear often in couples therapy — especially from parents who are navigating the intense demands of raising children while trying to maintain their connection as partners.
One partner might say:
"I don’t think I should have to thank them for doing what they’re supposed to be doing."
When that comes up, we don’t just brush it off or try to reframe it right away. Instead, we slow down. In emotionally grounded couples therapy, we’re often looking for the deeper emotional blocks beneath the surface frustrations. So I’ll usually ask:
Has there been a history of things feeling unfair?
Have responsibilities felt inconsistent?
Is there a part of you that’s been carrying too much, for too long, without being seen?
These questions matter — because resentment doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It usually grows in the absence of feeling safe, supported, or acknowledged.
But once we’ve named those emotional truths, I also like to invite a shift in perspective.
Parenting is one of the most demanding — and often thankless — jobs. And when you're doing it with a partner, every bit of effort counts. Even the “expected” stuff.
So I sometimes pose this question:
Do you want to be the kind of person who thanks the doorman for opening the door — even though it’s their job — or the kind of person who walks by without acknowledging them because it was expected?
Because here’s the thing: gratitude doesn’t mean lowering your standards.
You can still expect respect, reciprocity, and fairness in your relationship. You should. But noticing effort — even when it’s part of the shared load — is how we make that load feel lighter and more mutual.
The Gottmans speak to this in their research as well. They’ve found that gratitude acts like a buffer in relationships. It helps bring our attention back to what our partner is doing — not just what they’re not. That shift doesn’t erase real issues, but it does reduce resentment and helps prevent the emotional drift that can pull couples apart over time.
If you’re finding it hard to get to that place — if the resentment, old wounds, or sense of imbalance feel too big to move through — that’s okay. This is where couples therapy can be a powerful tool. Together, we can explore what’s been blocking the connection you want, and begin to build something that feels more aligned, secure, and emotionally safe for both of you.
If this resonates and you’re curious to learn more, I’d love to connect. I offer free phone consultations, in-person sessions at my Coolum Beach office on the Sunshine Coast, and online appointments for couples and parents.