Fake Calm Isn’t the Goal—Why Your Feelings Matter as a Parent

As a parent therapist, I often hear this question—sometimes directly, sometimes quietly between the lines: “If I lose my patience or feel angry, does that mean I’m failing as a parent?”

The answer, without hesitation, is no. In fact, your emotions—yes, even the messy, uncomfortable ones—are trying to help you. Our feelings are messengers. They show us what we need, what we care about, and what boundaries may be getting pushed. But when we rush to "stay calm" at all costs, we can accidentally silence those important messages.

Here’s the thing: what we end up modeling in those moments isn’t true calm. It’s something I call performative calm—on the outside we look composed, but underneath, there’s tightness, frustration, or even resentment. It’s not sustainable, and our kids can feel the disconnect, even if they can’t name it.

Many of us didn’t grow up with the language or permission to really know our emotions. We were told to quiet down, to “get over it,” or to be “good.” So now, as adults—especially as parents—we’re doing the slow, sacred work of re-learning. We’re building emotional fluency from the ground up, sometimes in real time, with our kids watching.

And that’s not a failure. That’s growth.

You have every right to explore what your anger, irritation, or overwhelm is trying to tell you. Those feelings aren’t signs that you’re a bad parent. Quite the opposite: tuning into them is a radical act of self-awareness. When you understand and respond to your emotions with curiosity rather than shame, you're modeling something powerful for your children—emotional honesty, resilience, and the courage to be human.

So the next time you feel the urge to push down a feeling just to “keep it together,” take a breath. Ask yourself, What is this emotion trying to show me? What do I need right now?

Because when you show up for yourself in those moments, you’re not just regulating your nervous system—you’re teaching your child how to honor theirs.

You don’t have to be perfectly calm. You just have to be real.

If you feel you would benefit from additional support on this topic, I'm here to help. I offer in-person appointments in my office in Coolum on the Sunshine Coast, as well as Telehealth sessions available across Australia and internationally (excluding Canada and the USA).