Transforming Reactivity into Intention: Building Stronger Connections with Your Partner and Kids
As a therapist for parents and couples, one of the most profound shifts I witness in clients is the transition from reactivity to intention. This transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but through a series of steps that change how we relate to our partners, children, and ourselves. Terry Real, a renowned therapist, offers a brilliant framework for understanding this process, which he outlines in six stages. Today, let’s explore how to go from reactive behaviours to intentional actions in relationships, and how these stages apply to both intimate relationships and parenting.
Stage 1: Awareness
The first step in shifting from reactivity to intention is awareness. Reactivity is often automatic—your partner says something, and you react without thinking. It might be anger, defensiveness, or withdrawing into silence. But the shift begins when you realize you’re caught in this cycle. Awareness is the moment you catch yourself about to react impulsively, and you pause to recognize what’s happening.
Example in a Relationship: Sarah feels frustrated when her partner, Mark, forgets to take out the trash. In the past, she would immediately snap at him. But one day, Sarah becomes aware of her reaction. She notices that this frustration stems from feeling unappreciated and that her first instinct is to lash out in anger. This awareness is the first step to making a change.
Parent-Child Example: Jacob has been asking his son, Alex, to clean his room for days, but every time Jacob reminds him, Alex ignores him. Feeling ignored, Jacob’s default reaction is to yell at Alex. However, one evening, Jacob becomes aware of his tendency to react with frustration. He realizes that Alex isn’t intentionally disobeying him but might just need clearer communication, an engaging game, and outside of the moment to learn how to do things even when they're boring.
Stage 2: Pause
Once you become aware of your automatic reaction, the next step is to pause. This pause creates a moment of space between the stimulus—what your partner or child does—and your response—the reaction you’d typically have. It’s important to understand that this pause isn’t about suppressing your emotions or ignoring how you feel; it’s about giving yourself the room to make a conscious, thoughtful choice in how you respond. During this pause, ask yourself: What is my feeling trying to tell me? And what’s the most constructive way for me to communicate this to my partner or child? This reflection helps you respond with intention rather than reacting impulsively.
Example in a Relationship: Sarah, now aware of her frustration, decides to pause before speaking. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that she loves Mark, and that this is an opportunity for constructive conversation, not an argument. She doesn’t respond immediately but reflects that her frustration is trying to tell her I need to revisit the standard of care and the FairPlay exercise.
Parent-Child Example: As Jacob feels the familiar rush of anger rise when Alex ignores him once again, he chooses not to snap. Instead, he pauses, taking a moment to collect himself and remind himself that yelling won’t solve anything. He asks himself why he’s feeling angry and realizes it’s not just about Alex’s lack of attention—it’s about his son struggling to engage in a boring task. He recognizes that this may be more of a cooperation issue than a listening problem, prompting him to consider a different strategy for engaging Alex more effectively.
Stage 3: A Different Choice
After the pause, you arrive at the power of choice. You now have the ability to respond differently—more intentionally. Instead of reacting out of frustration, anger, or fear, you decide to act from a place of understanding, compassion, and respect. It’s about choosing the higher road even when the lower road seems more familiar.
Example in a Relationship: Rather than criticising Mark for forgetting the trash, Sarah takes a different approach. She says, “I’m feeling frustrated because the trash didn’t get taken out, and it’s starting to feel like I’m carrying the load on my own. When we set up the fair play cards, we agreed you’d handle the trash. I think the every-week schedule might not be working as well as we hoped. Would you be open to adjusting it to every other night? That way, it feels more manageable for both of us.” Sarah expresses her feelings clearly and respectfully, focusing on the solution rather than blaming Mark.
Parent-Child Example: Instead of resorting to yelling at Alex, Jacob decides to make the task of cleaning more engaging. He plays the "Tidy Up" song and turns it into a fun game by writing down a "Mystery Clean-Up Item" on a post-it note. Alex has to figure out what item needs to be put away, and Jacob reveals the answer at the end. The next day, away from the heat of the moment, Jacob sits down with Alex and calmly explains why keeping his room tidy matters. "I know it’s not easy to keep everything organized, but I want you to understand that having a clean space helps you feel more in control and less stressed. Let’s brainstorm together to make it easier for you to stay on top of it." Jacob is choosing patience and empathy, creating a positive, collaborative approach to a challenging situation.
Stage 4: Daily Practice
Shifting from reactivity to intention is not a one-time event. It requires daily practice. Every time you encounter a situation that triggers you, you have the chance to choose a more intentional response. Over time, this practice becomes a habit, and your reactions start to change.
Example in a Relationship: Sarah begins to practice her new way of communicating regularly. Every time she feels frustrated, she uses her pause and chooses to express herself more thoughtfully. Mark begins to notice and appreciates the change in her approach. Sarah’s new way of relating becomes part of their daily interactions, and it strengthens their relationship.
Parent-Child Example: Jacob practices patience with Alex every day. When Alex forgets to do something or acts out, Jacob consciously takes the time to model understanding and compassion. Slowly, Alex starts to respond more positively to his father’s calm, intentional approach.
Stage 5: A Natural Response
As you continue practicing, what was once a conscious effort begins to feel natural. The pause becomes second nature, and your new responses—whether in relationships or parenting—feel more instinctive. You no longer have to think about it; you’ve rewired your behavior.
Example in a Relationship: Months later, Sarah doesn’t need to consciously pause before reacting to Mark anymore. It’s now her natural response to communicate with clarity and understanding. If an issue arises, she instinctively handles it in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.
Parent-Child Example: Jacob now automatically responds morento Alex with patience and understanding, even in moments of frustration. It becomes second nature for him to guide Alex gently through tasks, and Alex, in turn, learns to approach his father with more openness and willingness to listen.
Stage 6: It’s Just How You Relate
Eventually, your new way of being isn’t something you think about or practice a lot; it becomes a bigger part of who you are. Reactivity is no longer the default response. Instead, intentionality is the foundation of how you relate to others; with the understanding that you are not a robot and might still have moments. However, the dynamics of your relationships shift, and you experience deeper connection, understanding, and mutual respect.
Example in a Relationship: Sarah and Mark have created a strong, healthy way of communicating. They don’t have to work hard to avoid conflict; instead, a lot of the time they naturally approach each other with empathy and consideration. Their relationship is marked by a deeper sense of partnership.
Parent-Child Example: Jacob’s relationship with Alex is transformed. Instead of constantly battling, they work together as a team. Alex feels understood, and Jacob feels like a supportive guide. Their relationship has evolved into one built on respect and intentionality.
Reaching Out for Help
It’s important to remember that the journey from reactivity to intentionality isn’t always easy. Old patterns can be deeply ingrained, and there will be setbacks and moments, but these will become fewer and fewer. If you’re finding it challenging to break free from reactivity, it’s okay to ask for help. A relationship therapist can provide support, offer tools, and help you explore the deeper issues behind your reactions. Whether you're dealing with conflicts in a marriage or navigating parenting struggles, seeking guidance can make all the difference in creating healthier, more intentional relationships.
Making the shift from reactivity to intention is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself and your relationships. It’s a process, but every small step you take creates a ripple effect, leading to a more connected, peaceful, and fulfilling way of relating.
If you’re ready to move toward a more intentional way of connecting with your loved ones, reach out, I'm here to help. I offer in-person appointments in Coolum on the Sunshine Coast, as well as Telehealth sessions available across Australia and internationally (excluding Canada and the USA).