Who Owns Your Time in a Relationship?
As a couples therapist, one of the things I often explore with clients is how we show up for one another—not just emotionally, but also practically, through how we share time, space, and energy.
Recently, I attended a couples therapy conference where a speaker posed a deceptively simple question:
“Do you feel entitled to your partner’s time—or like they feel entitled to yours?”
That question landed hard.
I noticed a reaction in myself, which is often a cue for me to pause and look more deeply. And when I brought it back to the therapy room, I began to see just how much this unspoken sense of entitlement—over time, over presence—shows up in the couples I work with.
Time Entitlement: What’s Beneath It?
Entitlement to a partner’s time doesn’t always sound dramatic. It can show up subtly:
“You were out again?”
“You said we’d spend the evening together.”
“Must be nice to have free time.”
These kinds of comments can point to a deeper emotional undercurrent. From my experience, there are three major themes that tend to lie beneath time entitlement in relationships:
1. Imbalance in Household Responsibilities
When one partner feels like they’re doing the bulk of the emotional or physical labor in the home, it can build resentment. Time starts to feel like a commodity—one that’s being unequally distributed. The result? One partner may start policing or resenting the other’s time, rather than expressing the underlying need for fairness or support.
2. Different Approaches to Work and Contribution
In many modern partnerships, both people bring different ideas about what it means to “contribute.” One person might measure contribution in hours worked outside the home, while the other sees value in time spent caregiving or managing the household. When those frameworks clash, time starts to feel like a scoreboard—who’s working harder, who deserves rest, who’s “earned” their free time.
3. Resentment Around Freedom and Autonomy
This one often flies under the radar: when one partner perceives the other as having more freedom, especially around how they spend their downtime, it can lead to resentment. It’s not always about the amount of time, but about what that time symbolizes—rest, autonomy, choice.
What This Dynamic Is Really About
Feeling entitled to your partner’s time—or feeling like they’re entitled to yours—is often a signal, not a flaw. It’s your relationship asking you to pay attention.
It’s rarely just about time. More often, it’s about unmet needs for support, recognition, rest, or connection. When we ignore those signals, the resentment can quietly grow. But when we approach them with curiosity and compassion, they become entry points for deeper understanding.
What You Can Do
If this dynamic resonates with you, here are a few things to try:
Get curious, not accusatory. Ask yourself: What am I really needing here? Is it rest? Help? A sense of being seen?
Have the uncomfortable conversation. Share your experience without blaming. Try: “I’ve been feeling stretched thin lately, and I noticed I felt resentful when you went out. I think I’m needing more support or space too.”
Define fairness together. What does shared responsibility look like in your relationship? What does time off mean for each of you?
Repair the emotional bond. Often, what we’re really missing isn’t help—it’s connection. Time can become symbolic of love, presence, or priority. Reconnecting emotionally can help reduce the weight time seems to carry.
Final Thoughts
In emotionally focused therapy, we know that the surface-level conflict is rarely the core issue. Time entitlement is one of those places where deeper emotional needs, power dynamics, and unspoken resentments all converge.
So if this question sparked something for you—if your answer was yes, or “sometimes,” or even “I don’t know”—take it as an invitation. Not to shame yourself or your partner, but to look underneath. That’s where the healing happens.
If you feel you would benefit from additional support on this topic, I'm here to help. Let's start the conversation and explore how these dynamics might be affecting your relationship. I offer in-person appointments in my office in Coolum on the Sunshine Coast, as well as telehealth sessions available across Australia and internationally (excluding Canada and the USA).