The Roommate Phase: Why It Happens—and How to Find Your Way Back to Each Other

If you’ve landed in the roommate phase of your relationship, I want you to hear this first:

You’re not broken. Your relationship isn’t broken.
You’re two humans doing your best in a very depleting time of life.

The roommate phase is a normal, predictable part of long-term relationships—especially for couples raising young kids. It tends to sneak up slowly and then all at once, as you shift from lovers to co-managers of a very busy household. Before long, the conversations are mostly about schedules, daycare drop-offs, groceries, and bills. Affection fades. Patience thins. You pass each other in the kitchen like two exhausted roomies.

And then the question hits:

“Where did the “we” in us go?”

The problem isn’t that you drifted into the roommate phase.
The problem is when you stop tending to the “we.”

Let’s unpack this with compassion, clarity, and a practical path forward.

Why Couples with Young Kids Often Slip Into the Roommate Phase

1. One partner—often the mother—is “touched-out.”

After being climbed on, grabbed, breastfed on, or constantly needed by little ones all day, a parent’s body reaches a sensory limit.

This is called being touched-out, and it’s crucial to understand:

Touched-out is not rejection; it’s saturation.
It’s a nervous-system response, not a sign of lost attraction or love.

When she pulls away from a hug or flinches at a hand on her shoulder, she isn’t saying, “I don’t want you.”
Her body is saying, “I can’t take one more touch right now.”

Her irritability is usually about depletion, not disinterest.
And the more understood and supported she feels, the more likely she’ll eventually feel open to physical affection again.

2. The mental load is massive—and usually uneven.

In many families, the mental load—planning meals, remembering appointments, anticipating needs, organising everything—falls more heavily on one partner.

This creates:

• overwhelm

• exhaustion

• resentment

• and decreased capacity for closeness

Touch aversion often has more to do with mental exhaustion than with the relationship itself.

3. You’re both hurting—but in opposite ways.

In heteronormative dynamics, this pattern is common:

He

Is longing for closeness, reassurance, and physical affection.
Her retreat feels like emotional distance—even rejection or abandonment.

She

Is longing for safety, support, and genuine relief from overwhelm.
His desire for touch can feel like pressure when her nervous system is already maxed out.

Neither partner is wrong.
Both are signalling pain.
Their signals simply collide instead of connect.

One Therapeutic Goal: Restore the “We” by Strengthening the “Me”

A relationship becomes safe and intimate again when both partners show up as differentiated, emotionally responsible adults.

That means:

• knowing your own needs

• understanding your triggers

• managing your emotions

• communicating without blame

• staying curious about each other’s experience

Having a strong sense of self — the “me” — is what allows the “we” to come back into focus. This is especially important when there’s been a loss of identity after having children. Our interests change, our priorities change, wechange — and sometimes we don’t even know what we truly like anymore.

That’s why it’s essential to rebuild a strong sense of “me” before we try to pour back into the “we” of our relationship. When we know ourselves, we can show up more fully for each other.

What Helps Couples Move Out of the Roommate Phase

Below are the core shifts couples can make to slowly rebuild connection and closeness.

1. Regulate the Nervous System

When a partner is overwhelmed, depleted, or overstimulated, connection becomes almost impossible.

Create intentional ways to reset:

• 10–15 minutes of solo time after work

• a walk around the block

• a warm shower to decompress

• deep breathing

• short, predictable breaks from childcare

A regulated nervous system makes presence and warmth possible again.

2. Redistribute the Mental Load

This is not: “Just tell me what to do.”
This is: “I’ll take full ownership of this task or area.”

For example:

• mornings

• dinner and dishes

• meal planning

• laundry

• daycare communication

Fairness creates capacity.
Capacity creates closeness.

3. Build Emotional Safety

Safety grows through:

• validation (“I can see why you feel that way”)

• curiosity (“Can you tell me more about what that’s like for you?”)

• softening instead of snapping

• listening instead of defending

Emotional safety is the foundation of intimacy.

4. Restore Relational Self-Awareness

This is the inner work that changes the outer dynamic.

Ask yourself:

• What am I really feeling underneath my reaction?

• What story am I telling about my partner?

• What do I need that I’m not expressing clearly?

• How is my past shaping my current trigger?

When you understand yourself, you stop fighting blindly which creates the opportunity to show up differently.

5. Relearn Vulnerability and Curiosity

Vulnerability sounds like:

• “I miss you.”

• “I feel lonely.”

• “I want us to feel close again.”

Curiosity sounds like:

• “What does being touched-out actually feel like in your body?”

• “What’s one thing that would make this week easier for you?”

Vulnerability reopens the heart.
Curiosity reconnects the couple.

6. Rebuild Micro-Connection Rituals

These don’t require money, childcare, or spare time you don’t have.

Try:

• a kiss instead of a peck in the morning

• sitting together for five minutes after the kids go down- pull out some couples cards before touching the remote

• a warm check-in text during the day

• expressing one appreciation daily- send that text or tell them when you get home

• a brief weekly check-in- what do you have on this week? Is there anything I can take off your plate?

Tiny rituals build momentum.
Momentum brings closeness.

7. Slowly Reintroduce Closeness and Intimacy

Once there is:

• nervous system regulation

• shared load

• emotional safety

• and small, everyday moments of connection

…physical intimacy becomes easier, more natural, and more open-hearted.

It’s a slow, respectful, pressure-free process.

You Can Come Back From the Roommate Phase

This phase doesn’t mean the spark is gone forever.
It means life has been hard, exhausting, and relentless—and your relationship needs tending.

With shared responsibility, emotional openness, gentle curiosity, and consistent micro-connection, you don’t just return to “how things were.”
You build something stronger, more honest, and more resilient.

If you’re in the roommate phase, the invitation is this:

Start tending to the “we” again—one small, intentional moment at a time.

The roommate phase isn’t a sign that something is broken.
It’s simply a signal that your relationship might need a little extra attention—just like when the petrol light comes on in your car. It doesn’t mean the engine has failed. It means you need to pull in, refill, and keep going.

Your relationship deserves fuel.

And finally—it’s all well and good to read about this, but real life is tricky, layered, and overwhelming. If you feel like you need more support moving through this season, don’t hesitate to reach out. If you’re local, you’re welcome to book an in-person session at my Coolum Beach office on the Sunshine Coast. I also offer online appointments for anyone outside the area.

Take Care,

KJ Bennett