Partner vs. Kid: How to Show Up for Both in the Heat of Conflict
By: KJ Bennett
Raising kids alongside a partner is one of the most intimate, growth-stretching experiences we can go through. It's also one of the most complex—especially when you and your partner come from different life experiences, carry different nervous system wiring, and have different philosophies about what it means to be a “good parent.”
One of you might approach challenges with structure and consistency; the other with empathy and flexibility. One of you might lean toward calm reasoning, the other toward intensity and passion. And in the everyday chaos—getting out the door, managing tantrums, balancing work and family—it’s easy to lose sight of each other and get pulled into disconnection.
The Micro-Moments That Define Connection
Imagine this: your partner is caught in a power struggle with your child. Maybe it's over putting on shoes. Your child is rolling around on the floor, uncooperative. You see the frustration rising in your partner, and your own anxiety spikes. Do you step in? Stay out of it? Say something? Say nothing?
These are the tiny, high-stakes moments that shape not only how we parent—but how we partner.
It's in these moments that we have the chance to act from reactivity… or from connection. When I get it right—and I don't always—I focus on two things that help me anchor myself:
How can I offer my partner grace in this moment?
What’s the actual goal right now?
If the goal is to get the shoes on, I might gently step in and say, “This is really frustrating—I know it’s hard when she won’t cooperate. Do you want me to help her get them on?”
It’s a simple gesture, but one that communicates: I see you. I’m with you. I’m not here to correct you—I’m here to support you.
Attachment Isn’t Just for Kids
In those moments, we’re not just parenting. We’re tending to the emotional safety of the partnership. When a partner feels judged, abandoned, or corrected—especially in front of the kids—it can touch a deep, often unconscious place of insecurity or shame.
This doesn’t mean we agree with everything our partner does. It means we try to respond to their underlying need: to feel seen, supported, and not alone.
If I rush to defend my child in front of my partner, I may be unintentionally saying, I’m not with you. I’m with them. That triangulates the relationship in a way that leaves everyone feeling destabilized. My child may feel more powerful in the moment, but also burdened by being pulled into adult conflict. My partner may feel rejected and undermined. No one wins.
On the other hand, if I side with my partner in a way that shuts down my child, I risk doubling the power imbalance and creating disconnection. The child may feel misunderstood or outnumbered, which usually leads to more resistance—not less.
Becoming a Secure Bridge
What helps instead is approaching the situation not as a referee, but as a secure bridge—someone who holds space for both people with warmth and curiosity.
Instead of reacting from a place of urgency or criticism, we can ask:
What is my partner feeling underneath their frustration?
What’s the emotional experience my child is having right now?
What does this moment need from me in order to bring connection—not more conflict?
The answer isn’t always to step in. Sometimes, it's simply to offer a calming presence. Sometimes, it’s a quiet check-in after the storm has passed. But when we do step in, it helps to do so from a place of empathy and unity.
Grace is a Practice
Offering grace doesn’t mean letting go of your values or needs. It means softening your gaze enough to see that your partner, like you, is human—trying, stretching, sometimes missing the mark, sometimes just overwhelmed. And that parenting isn’t a performance—it’s a long game of learning together.
You will both make mistakes. You will both get triggered. But when you practice showing up with compassion and shared purpose, you’re not just raising emotionally secure children—you’re cultivating a secure partnership.
So the next time you’re witnessing a difficult moment between your partner and your child, take a breath. Ask yourself:
Can I offer grace here, instead of judgment?
What is our shared goal in this moment?
How can I respond in a way that builds trust between all of us?
These are the small but powerful shifts that move families from reactivity to resilience—and from disconnection to connection.
If you want to learn more or explore how you and your partner can begin showing up for each other in this way, I’d love to support you. I offer sessions from my office in Coolum Beach on the Sunshine Coast, and I also offer online appointments for those living outside the area. Feel free to reach out—this work is hard, AND worth it.