Helping Kids Understand Friendship Dynamics: The “Fill a Cup” Activity for Parents
As a therapist who works with parents, friendship dynamics come up all the time. It’s so hard to watch your child navigate difficult friendships — especially when you find yourself wondering, “Why is my child drawn to that person?” or “How do I guide them without telling them who they can or can’t be friends with?”
Friendships are such an important part of growing up, but they’re also complex. As parents, we want to help our kids build healthy, reciprocal connections — relationships where they feel seen, valued, and safe — without overstepping or controlling their social world.
When I first started my career, I worked directly with children. Now that I work only with adults, one of my favourite parts of my job is helping parents understand how to teach these emotional skills at home.
The “Fill a Bucket” Concept
Many primary schools use the book How Full Is Your Bucket? or similar “bucket-filling” stories. Most kids understand this concept easily: when someone is kind, they “fill our bucket,” and when someone is hurtful, they “dip” from it.
But I like to take this idea one step further by making it visual and hands-on, so kids can really see how relationships work.
The “Fill a Cup” Activity
Here’s a simple and meaningful activity you can do at home:
You’ll need:
A clear plastic or glass cup (one per person)
Small objects (crystals, sea shells, beads, pebbles) to represent energy or emotional input
Small figurines or toys to represent friends
Step 1: Model first.
Modelling is such a lost art — and it’s also a powerful way to teach emotional awareness. Start by choosing a figurine for one of your friends.
For example, I might say:
“I’m going to choose this little bear to represent my friend Taylor. The other day she invited me to coffee — that really filled my cup. She asked about my parents, which made me feel like she cares about what’s going on in my life. She checks in on me when I’m not feeling well — that fills my cup too. But I did feel a little left out when she invited me over and spent most of her time talking to her other friend— so that takes a little crystal out.”
As you talk, add and remove objects from your cup to make it visual.
(If you’re more of a visual learner, I have a short video on my Instagram that shows exactly what this activity looks like in action.)
Step 2: Let your child take over
Invite your child to pick figurines to represent their friends. The choices they make can tell you a lot about how they view those relationships.
For example, one of my kids once said, “I picked the squirrel for this friend because they have so much energy and are always running around.”
Then, let them share examples:
“What are some things this friend does that fill your cup?”
“Are there times they’ve dipped into your cup — maybe hurt your feelings or left you out?”
Ask curious, gentle questions like:
“What does it feel like when they say good morning to you?”
“How does it feel when they stick up for you?”
“What about when they talk over you while you’re telling a story?”
You’ll be amazed at what you learn. Kids are often incredibly insightful about what they value in friendships — and what hurts.
Step 3: Reflect on Energy and Boundaries
After you’ve gone through a few examples, ask:
“How much energy do you want to pour into friendships that fill your cup half way or all the way to the top?”
“What about ones that take more out than they give?”
This isn’t about ending friendships. It’s about teaching kids to balance their emotional energy — to invest more deeply in the relationships that feel mutual and nourishing.
Step 4: Flip the Perspective
Now turn the lens around. Ask your child:
“Can you think of a time you filled a friend’s cup this week?”
“Was there a time you might have dipped into someone’s cup?”
This helps build empathy and accountability — key components of emotional intelligence.
You can also use this language later in the day:
“Did you fill anyone’s cup today?”
“Did anyone fill yours?”
It’s a gentle way to keep the conversation going without lecturing or prying.
Step 5: Use It With Siblings
If you have more than one child, try this activity together. It’s fascinating to see how siblings value different things — one might prize being invited to play, while another cares more about fairness or loyalty.
This can open up powerful discussions about differences, empathy, and respect within your family.
Final Thoughts
When you do this activity, try to stay quiet and curious. Your role isn’t to correct or interpret — it’s to understand how your child sees their world.
This activity can give you a window into their emotional life and help you support them in building balanced, healthy friendships — relationships where they give and receive care.
Also, this activity works beautifully to repeat every couple of months. Friendships evolve, and people who pour into your cup right now might not do so later. Revisiting this activity is a great way to take a gentle “friendship inventory” — helping kids (and us!) notice how relationships shift over time.
If you’d like to see the activity in action, head to my Instagram — I’ve shared a short video walkthrough there. And if you’d like more ideas for helping your child navigate tricky friendship dynamics, feel free to reach out. I love helping parents explore all the beautifully complex parts of raising emotionally aware kids. I have an office on the Sunshine Coast but work with clients digitally from all over.